The World's Most Perfect Food

Uncooked chocolate chip cookie dough.

What is it that makes this such a delicacy? Is it the texture? The creaminess with the hard, slightly bitter chocolate bits? Is it the thrill of knowing you are eating raw eggs and living on the edge, just by doing so?

Whatever the elusive draw is, I succumbed to it today. I bought a bucket of cookie dough to make cookies for a party I'm invited to. I know.. I know... why not bake my own from scratch, right? Well, I have in the past, but I'm a bit scrunched for time, so I thought I would use this as a way of helping myself out. And helping myself is what I've done. I've helped myself to a few spoonfuls of gooey, decadent, raw cookie dough and it was heavenly!

I guess that was my sugar for the day.. so sadly, no TGIF for me tonight. But that's ok.. it was worth it!

My New Brother

Over the weekend there was a conversation that discussed, among other things, rejection, which no one does well with.

Years ago,RO,(that's the name I came up with, btw, to describe the person who recently pulled a mental fast one on me)told me my family had really fucked me up. Not that I'm looking to blame my family for everything, but I must say it did set the tone for some other choices. Even though my parents did an excellent job of instilling responsibility and morality in us kids, they also weren't very lovey-dovey and were sarcastic and critical and didn't mind telling you all of your flaws.

RO said that was mentally abusive.

Sibings were never emotionally close, no one was in that family, and as time went by, siblings became even farther apart. Parents passed away and siblings descended into the dirty world name calling and choosing sides. All glove were off, the parents were no longer there to hold control. In the end, my brother excommunicated himself from the sisters. Not that the sisters are banded together or anything, he just decided we weren't his family and up and stopped talking to us. Just cut us off.

RO said he was an asshole.

One sister kept trying to keep the others together.( Can you guess which one?) Frequent attempts to arrange dinners, emails and invitations to parties were made. One sister or the other might attend and it was always just a little too inconvenient to show up. With all that difficulty in trying to put things together, that one sister gave up. In one year, she lost all of her family, or the remnants of what she'd hoped was her family.

RO said that was fucked up and mocked the sisters who couldn't be bothered.

Fast forward about 6 years. RO meets a girl, CM. RO has been part of my family for almost 2 decades at this point. In my world, I was happy RO had found someone and was looking forward to adding to what I had felt was my family. I was nervous and excited to meet her, since EVERY PHONE CALL she had been friendly and engaging and said kind things. I had hoped I found another friend. Man, was I WRONG!! CM talks to me a few times and decides that she doesn't like me and never wants to speak to me again and has RO call to tell me this, 1 day before we were all supposed to meet for dinner. RO had also become distant and unfriendly. WTF?

RO had insisted that nothing would ever come between our friendship. I was a fool and believed it.

After that phone call, RO hasn't spoken to me unless I've sent some kind of work related or separation message. (Accounts to be dissolved and such)

So, if my family was mentally abusive, fucked up, and my brother was an asshole, all by not talking to me, rejecting me and not being emotionally involved, then what does that make RO, but yet another brother.

What's the difference?????

Please explain to me, why it's perfectly fine for pictures of GW Bush to be posted around the web being compared to a chimpanzee making funny faces and the major majority of the comments think that it's hilarious and right on the money, yet a similar comparison of Obama is made to Curious George and the comments are derogetory to whomever posted it? As if posting the similar features of Obama and Curious George is somehow MORE demeaning than posting pictures for GW and a chimp. I don't quite get it.

Samhain

So I'm being difficult. If you don't know what it means, nor how to say it, look it up.
Not difficult, Samhain.

It's interesting to see that celebrations of, or marking a day at or near the exact same time of the year, occurs throughout the world. All the commemorative days that deal with death or the end of a harvest are done somewhere between Oct 31 and Nov 2. I can understand the beliefs tied to the end of the harvest and the darkness, but how did that get tied in with dead people? I would suppose that since we really are nothing but yet another fruit on mother earth's vines, that when our bodies wither and die, and our souls are harvested to go wherever they go, that humans could be compared to a crop.

A Butterfinger Moment

Ever have those times where something just tastes so good, so perfect, so.... right, that you want to keep eating it no matter what the consequences?

I had one of those moments today. I have been very good about buying candy for Halloween that I don't like, just so I won't eat it. Typically, I don't like milk chocolate at all and I really don't like peanut butter, but today... those pesky little Butterfinger bars were callin' my name and I couldn't resist the siren's call.

20 minutes after ingestion of sugars, I'm ready for a nap. I can feel it coming on as I type, but I'm going to have to try and resist. I have far too much going on for that kind of luxury today.

Ahh, what the hell... maybe 15 minutes.

Just A Day

Not much to add today. I worked, I slept, I worked, I ate, and I ranted.
I'm still angry.. I feel like I should be Alanis Morrissette. Venting into my journal, albeit not as lyrically as she does. Damn, I could have used a few extra millions too.


My routine has been shot lately.. and I want to get back into it. Work can really disrupt things, can't it?

Confusion

I'm tired.
I've been confused for weeks now.
I don't understand how some people work.
I trusted this person. I opened my life to them and involved them in every aspect. I risked my relationships for them, every day.
Within less than 2 months, this person turned on me and after nearly 20 years of friendship, stopped talking to me for no other reason than the fact that they couldn't handle the same juggling of friendship and a relationship that I had been juggling for all that time.
I'm disgusted. I'm hurt. I'm mad and I'm sad.
I hate liars. I hate people who say with conviction that they will "always be there" or that "they'll just have to understand you are my friend" and then the INSTANT it looks remotely difficult for them, they go back on all that was said before.
I had trust issues before this person, I have bigger ones now.
I trusted this one person to understand and know everything there was about me. I gave them the power of knowledge and allowed myself to reveal my vulnerability to them. They knew what they were doing when they made their choices and if they said otherwise, they were only lying yet again.
This person would rather ignore or not deal with an uncomfortable situation and would prefer to let it rot and decay instead of confronting it. This person is a fucking coward.
Why did they choose to hurt me so, because in the end, that's what they've done. They've chosen to do this to me and I think that's what confuses and pisses me off the most. I wish I could say I did something really 'wrong' to deserve this. I can live with that. I didn't. I stuck by this person, I supported them during years of friendship. I dedicated a large part of my life to them. I was more than willing to be open about their new choices in life, I even encouraged them. And yet, here I am, blogging to no one and everyone at the same time about how I feel used, and betrayed and hurt.
Sometimes, I hate you.